The Lengths We Go
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: Sometimes, life will take you and hurt you and burn you, drag you through the dirt and tear at all you are and there is nothing left to do but cling on and endure the ride. [RLSBish]


So I am still alive (somewhere!) and thought it would be good to post this little... thing.

Basically, it's set the summer Sirius runs away and starts doing lots of naughty, naughty things.

Enjoy!

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**The Lengths We Go**

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Remus paused in the balcony doorway a while, all the tales James had regaled circling worryingly in his mind. He could just make out Sirius' shadow, sat as he was on the low wall, with his back against the house. He was looking out across the garden and Remus wondered vaguely how long it would be till he disappeared for another night out in the muggle clubs. Remus had arrived not hours ago, to be met by a subdued James and Peter and no Sirius in sight. He couldn't deal with Sirius right now, but somebody had to.

And it was always him.

He pushed the door open and paused again.

"Look, Remus, I don't want you to waste your time so if you've come out here to give me another fucking lecture I don't need, then don't bother." There was a cigarette dangling listlessly between Sirius' lips as he spoke, it's acrid, sweet smoke permeating the air and making Remus gag just a little. Almost mechanically, Sirius lifted his hand and took the cigarette between his fingers. He took a slow drag, the burn in the back of his throat almost lost in the mess of his mind. "Bluntly? I don't give a –"

"I'm not going to lecture you," Remus said softly. He took a step further onto the balcony, moving away from the light and closer towards the precariously balanced figure sat on the low wall.

Sirius took another deep drag on his cigarette, expelling the smoke in an upwards curve. "So what're you doing out here then?" he asked, "It's cold."

Remus sighed and leant on the wall near his feet. They hadn't looked at each other yet and it seemed to make this conversation easier somehow. "_Your_ life, Sirius," Remus replied, eyes fixed on a random point at the bottom of the dark gardens, "What you choose to do is none of my business."

Sirius snorted and lifted a bottle to his lips. The liquid was cold from the night's chill but it soon burned down his throat and down his chest and he took another, longer swig. Remus was watching the movement from the corner of his eyes, mouth set in a disapproving line but he didn't bother voicing his opinion.

Sirius knew exactly how he felt about cigarettes and alcohol. Sirius knew exactly how Remus felt about everything that he was doing.

"James did tell you, right?" Sirius asked into the silence, when the expected lecture didn't come.

"Yeah, he did."

"Stupid bastard," Sirius muttered, "It's none of his _damn _business what I-"

"He's worried about you-"

"- funny way of showing it-"

"We all are," Remus continued. He turned his head and caught Sirius' eyes, "You're destroying yourself."

A cruel smirk played out on Sirius' lips. "What happened to the 'I'm not here to lecture you'? I think I preferred that Remus more. Mind you, I think I prefer Remus-last-summer even more than that. I wonder why that is- I wonder what he possibly _did-"_

"You're drunk."

Sirius laughed again and took another swig from his half-empty bottle. "Not nearly drunk enough if I know who you are." The fag was stubbed out on the wall beside him and he let it fall to the ground below them. He picked the bottle up again and downed a good quarter of it, ignoring the quiet look of disappointment on Remus' face and the seed of shame that was starting to burn inside his chest. Or that could possibly just be the vodka. He wasn't quite sure which.

"Why?"

It was so quietly spoken that Sirius nearly didn't hear it at all. But there was something about Remus' manner, about the way his eyes were tight and his jaw clenched that made him look almost pitiful. There was something in his gaze, some way in which he was looking at Sirius, like something irreplaceable had been broken. Sirius shrugged at the unvoiced accusation. "Makes me feel good," he mumbled, "It makes me feel damned good."

Remus shook his head but looked away again. "Fine. Fine, Sirius. Just – Just tell me you're being careful."

Sirius snorted again. He shuffled in his seat so he was straddling the balcony wall instead of sitting on top of it. He leant out towards the sharp drop and grinned. "When am I not careful?" he replied sarcastically, purposefully looking down and smiling at the ground beneath him. Part of him – such a small, tiny, _tiny _part – wondered what it would be like to just – to just let go.

He almost did.

But two hands wrapped around his upper arm and pulled him upright again, propping him back up on the wall as Remus glared at him. "Don't joke about things like that, you idiot!"

They were stood so close. Close enough for Sirius to feel Remus' short, angry breaths and see the genuine fear in his eyes. "Why? Not like anybody would care, is it."

"I would."

"Yeah? Good to know, that. Real useful piece of information." He didn't quite mean to sound so bitter, but somehow he couldn't stop them from spouting out of his mouth. He grabbed his bottle and downed some more of it – more to stop the words than anything - choosing not to see Remus' deepening frown. He sat back down in his earlier perch; back against the building wall and legs bent at the knees, spread out in front of him. He made a show of getting settled and shutting his eyes.

He opened then a couple of minutes later. "You're still here?" he asked coldly.

"I'm not leaving."

Another cruel smile found its way to Sirius' lips. "Wow. Isn't that kind of you? Hate to break this to you, but I don't want you here."

"I don't care."

Sirius finished off the rest of the vodka and cradled the empty bottle against his chest. He stared at Remus for a long time – well, Remus' profile. The werewolf was leant against the wall at Sirius' feet (close enough to grab him should he make anymore suicide attempts, Sirius noticed hazily) and chin cocked upwards as he stared at the stars. In the little of his face Sirius could see, he looked drawn and tired, as though this was the last thing he wanted to be dealing with. But – but there was still _something _there, still _something _bright and happy. Still something there for Sirius to latch on to, when he finally crawled his way from this particular darkness.

"I'd love to fuck you," Sirius said suddenly, voice calm and crystal clear in the stillness they'd fallen into.

Remus jumped, startled by the sudden words rather than their meaning. "Sirius, _stoppit. _You're drunk," he said hastily.

"But I would, Remus. I'd love to see your eyes darken and your body writher underneath mine as you _beg _me to touch you – to _taste _you-"

_"Sirius." _

And Sirius realised he'd found a nerve – a jackpot when it came to the werewolf. He hadn't quite meant his voice to get so husky, nor his eyes to narrow and his body coil up in something like apprehension.

"Why can't we?" Sirius whispered as he climbed off the ledge. He circled around behind Remus, acutely aware of just how aware Remus was of his proximity and his words. "We've been there before, remember? Or perhaps you don't."

"I do," Remus managed to mumble and Sirius just knew his eyes would be closed.

"Well, then. What harm would it do? This self-deprecating spiral that you and James are so convinced I'm trapped in? You could stop it, Remus, _stop _it. All you have to do is touch me, is let me lose myself in you." He put his hands on Remus' hips and pulled their bodies flush against each other. Lips brushing Remus' ear, he whispered, "Let me fuck you, Remus."

There was an odd pause after his words, as though Remus really couldn't believe what he was hearing. And then – then he spun round and violently pushed Sirius backwards. "You have no idea what the hell you're saying! This isn't _you!" _Remus picked Sirius' bottle up and angrily threw it on the floor between them. They both watched it smash into a thousand different pieces and the glass bounce off into the shadows, pretty crystal glinting under the starlight. "It's _drink, _Sirius! _Alcohol! _If you wanted to fuck me, if you wanted me so badly then you've had plenty of fucking chances so don't you dare play games with me!"

He ran an agitated hand through his hair, gripping it almost madly. "You ran away, you're parents have disinherited you, I get it. I get it, Sirius! But why the _hell _are you having such a break-down?! You hated them, remember? You hated everything they stood for and right now – right now you're absolutely no _better _than them. You keep your hands off me," Remus snarled, hands actually tightened into fists at his sides, "When you're drunk, when you're high, when you smell of – of smoke or – or _men _then don't even come into the same room as me, you hear? You're acting like a stupid, spoiled Black heir, Sirius!"

Sirius was staring at him, alcohol befuddled brain lagging behind and trying to figure it all out.

"Grow. Up." Remus took a shuddering breath and then looked at him again with disappointment in his eyes. "Do you know what the worst thing is?" Sirius shook his head. "It hurts – it physically _hurts _to see you like this and know that there's nothing I can do! I want to help you, Sirius, _we _want to help you get through this but we can't right now. _Please."_

His voice broke and he stopped suddenly. Tired and aching, with eyes rimmed red, he tried to stare Sirius down. He was trembling so violently that Sirius could actually see his entire body shaking. "I'm sorry-" Sirius said automatically, reaching out to take Remus' hand, to make it better again.

"No. No, you're not. Not yet." Remus pulled his hand away and with one last hurt-filled look, he left.

**.x0x.**

Sirius found Remus on the same balcony the following morning, a cup of coffee clenched between his hands as he started at the same spot he had last night. It took Sirius a while, but he finally recognized it as the spot they'd kissed last summer.

"You're a selfish bastard, do you know that?"

Sirius stiffened at the remark, more surprised that Remus had known he was there than anything else. He stepped further into the sunlight and then paused, suddenly unsure of himself. "I know. James – James told me about your mum."

"He shouldn't have had to."

Sirius shut his eyes. "Yeah." He took a deep breath and then continued walking until he was at Remus' side. "Why didn't you tell me last night?"

Remus gave him in an incredulous look. "You had enough to worry about. I didn't – I didn't want to-"

Sirius touched the back of his hand. "Pretty sure I would've had enough room to worry about you." Sirius took his hand back and for a moment, the two of them stood in a strained silence separated by the vast chasm of their different grief and different needs.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said eventually. "About – about how I've been acting. And especially about last night – that was completely out of order. Even for me. Knowing – knowing what you're going through, it gives it some perspective, y'know."

Remus shrugged. "I'm used to it."

Sirius shut his eyes and pulled Remus against his chest, forgetting about the cup of coffee and their argument last night. He could hear the pain laced through Remus' words, he could hear the self-hate and pure mourning that had seemed so foreign to him last night. "I'm sorry," he said again, "I'm really, really sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. You must hate me. Here I am, pushing my mum away when all you want is yours back. And especially me – especially me saying- coming on-"

Remus nodded against his shirt, coffee cup rolling around on the floor at their feet. Sirius wondered if Remus had always been so tiny and so fragile. "I know," Remus mumbled, "And I meant what I said, Sirius."

"Yeah." His hands moved to rub soothing circles on Remus' back and play with his hair at the same time. "Maybe we need each other?" he murmured, "Maybe- maybe we both need to just _forget _for a little while-"

"Sirius..."

"I'm not drunk. Not now. And you – you aren't either."

Remus wrenched himself away from Sirius' embrace and stood, trembling in the sunlight. It was only now that Sirius realised the extent of the warmth that had gone from Remus' gaze, from the pout of his lips and he found himself reaching out to touch Remus' cheek, to brush his fingers along the prominent bones and assure himself that it was still _his _Remus. Remus shut his eyes at the touch. "Not now, not ever," he breathed.

Sirius took a step towards him, narrowing the gap between their bodies. He slid his hand to cup Remus' neck. "Whatever you say," he whispered as he leant forwards, "whatever you want, Remus."


End file.
